Becoming Avtar: The Space Between Worlds
Vaheguru Jee Kaa Khalsaa; Vaheguru Jee Kee Fateh!
Let's start with a question for you: do you know who you are?
The funny thing is, my answer to that is "I have no clue", yet this is the freest I have ever felt answering that question. I used to feel a need to always know everything that's going on, adding rigid structure to things in order for them to make sense. Now, I am starting to embrace that life is far, far beyond the logic of my mind, so even if someone answered all of my questions with the Absolute Truth, I still wouldn't be able to grasp the answers solely with my mind.
Tomorrow, I'm going to reach my 29th year as this incarnation on Earth (that is, if the Grace of breath continues to be bestowed upon me lol), so I've been reflecting a lot (as usual).
In this last year, I've been through so many crazy rollercoasters. So much has changed, yet the being within me still feels somewhat the same - if not more familiar than ever due to cutting out a lot of noise on the outside. This time last year, I don't think I could have fathomed that I'd be where I am now in just 365 days... Yet, everything is still changing at a monumental pace.
As my marmapuncture practitioner friend described it, I am in a "liminal" space - a word that I did not know the meaning of until then lol. Snakes are something I've been relating to a lot - it feels like I've shed sooooo many layers of myself and I'm now growing into something new. Yet this 'becoming', often feels uncomfortable to me. I'm learning to let go and to give myself space. I realised that through friendship, and now coaching and Reiki, I give other people a container in which they feel comfortable to sit and process their things. And now I'm learning to give myself the same kind of container. The most interesting part about space is, you don't really have to do anything so rigidly in it. Things just... flow, if you learn to just let it gooooooo (insert Elsa gif here lol).
Changing my relationship with the unknown¶
So, one of the reasons why the liminal space can often feel uncomfortable for me is that I associate it with uncertainty. But when I actually do trust and let go, it's amazing just how much happens for 'my' apparent benefit.
There was an Uber driver once who gave me a lift in 2015. I was describing why I felt so anxious about going into my final year of university, graduating, getting a job, etc. His response to me was, when you watch a film, do you enjoy it more the first time, or after that? I said the first time. He said yeah, and often that's because you have no idea what's going to happen, but are you anxious over that? And I think about that conversation from time to time. Do I have to consciously control everything, or can I sit back and allow things to unravel, trusting the Showmaker of the Universe to put on a good show?
Surrender =/= passivity¶
Now, a question that may arise in the mind is, how do you make progress in life if you just sit and watch? I think I have a 2-pronged answer to that.
One is, I don't think life is quite like the cinema analogy. It's actually more like an open world video game with no script - there are rules to the world you get to roam in, yes, but the players can also craft and create in order to make the universe what they choose. This universe to me, seems to be a massively intricate weaving of co-creation by all of us, and the threads of creation are being spun across time. But playing each character in the game, is also a deeper entity - and if you watch from the place of that Player then life is kinda like a play of entertainment.
Two, I think I'm learning of a new way of being. I tend to enjoy the extremes of life - like either sitting in absolute amazement and a stillness after a Keertan programme that hits HARRDDDD; or being crazily stimulated, having energy that's overflowing and using that drive to force all possible change and growth that I can squeeze out in that moment. But I'm discovering a new way of being - it's actually movement, but whilst maintaining the stillness. I have no idea what to even call that lol, but it's like a soft, warm LIVING. I don't really know how to tap into it consciously - I think the coming months in my life will be about exploring that.
But my point here being, there's a surrender in that state. It's just... Soft. It's trusting. Yet you're still walking, talking and enjoying. You don't have to sit still. I wonder if that's how Sri Guru Nanak Dev Jee felt as They playfully journeyed across this realm. I have no idea what words to use for this, but I'm really curious about tapping into how it feels.
Consistent action¶
Also, I think that surrendering actually means that I can do more of what is available to me, without fear. I think I often used to fear doing 100% of the 'known' actions because approaching the fringe between what you can control and can't, is mentally scary. There's a fear about "well, if I do all of the stuff I know about, and it's still not enough, then what will I do with myself? How will I face the discomfort that arises?", and that actually leads to 'self sabotage' (or as I think is more accurate to say, 'protection of the feelings-self'). I think the more you can trust in the Divine, the easier it is to actually put in your utmost energy and effort into things. Hmmmm. I'm looking forward to playing with this idea more.
I know a fair few of the things that have been called to me in my life, so I can put my all into those things and allow whatever comes of it, to be. Let this year be the year where I actually TRY, without holding myself back.
In closing¶
Hmmmmm loooool. This was a good little processing session. And doing this in the public realm, is conquering a fear I've held onto for far too long. There's so much more to say, but I think I'm going to leave it here for today. I will be back soon with more thoughts and stories. For now, let the unravelling of the 29th year of Avtar... commence!